these-dark-faces

Hi Everyone.
I'm sorry for being dark for so long, I have been checking and reading the discord every other day so please know I've appreciated all you've written, it makes me feel that little bit happier knowing you have some fun here.
I do plan on coming back and even producing content, I just wanted to try get myself ok first. I apologise for the over dramatic tumblr post but I want to be honest because I believe that's what's best, I often under value or even dismiss my own problems as I sometimes view them as silly or trivial, this extended to my mental health.

Completely unrelated to all online activity, I began to have greater issues approx 4 months prior to my ban, I had been acting on the urge to self harm much longer than that.
I thought I had a strong handle on my mental self, that I was resilient, that others were the ones with Real mental illnesses, real problems, and I just had personality quirks. That if I worked hard enough on myself, it would work out fine. I even convinced myself that my self harm wasn't 'that bad' as I was punching myself instead of cutting.
'It's just stress release, a feeling of cathartis' was my mentality.

I finally had a break down in front of my partner and he basically set me straight, telling me bluntly that what I was feeling and had been thinking for my entire adult life wasn't critical self improvement but was infact depression and anxiety.
I feel a bit silly as it is kinda fucking obvious now that I think about it, I was having near weekly chronic stomach pain, sometimes resulting in vomitting and also have lost a Lot of weight, with doctors coming up with nothing for the cause.
I constantly apologise for things that either aren't my fault or aren't issues to begin with and constantly procrastinate actual important things for seemingly no reason.

My work even questioned the high use of sick leave but insinuated I was abusing it to get days off, like I enjoy spending $90 a pop to see a doc, not making money and spending all day stuck at home.
I went from 67.7 kilo to my current weight of 52 kilo.
I try very hard Everyday at my job, customers fucking LOVE me but I know my colleagues don't particularly like me, so often I get left with the shit end of the stick. This coupled with my lack of friends lead me to having no escape from the stress.

I haven't been able to draw or really do much aside from cleaning the house but I am getting better. I painted the other day, bought some actual new clothes for myself for the first time in years and my partner is helping me with my social 'quirks'.

I'm better than I was, I haven't had stomach pain in about 2 weeks now and I'm monitoring my weight to ensure I don't go below 50 kilo, my partner now knows so I have that 'accountability' to not ignore my issues or misdirect my attention. The next hurdle will probably be talking to my parents as my reluctance to respond to messages (for seemingly no reason) is tied to my anxieties.

I know I have no right to ask for a favor but I want people I care for to know That I miss them, that I hope to see them again soon, that I feel guilty for having ignored generous acts from them (especially from Lisa Nani) as simply looking at them made me feel guilty some how, undeserving.
That even silly little moments of banter on Twitter helped me feel understood and appreciated.

To every one of them, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not being as good to them as I should, I'm sorry for letting it get this bad despite knowing better and preaching the Importance of mental health care, I promise to try harder.

Hope to see you all properly soon under a new handle
Thank you, truly thank you all.

HELLO!
Guess what I'm doing? I'M TYPING!
I bought a laptop, I own a device with a keyboard and do you know what that means? I can write again, we have the Technology!
Once I fix this, and by fix I mean re-format with a different operating system that ISN'T windows 8 (whoever designed this deserves much suffering) I can get back to the fallout of men, fucking FINALLY!
As I mentioned on my previous deviation I have quite a few ideas in the works and a truck load of drawing to scan and upload so although there my be a pause after this journal while I get everything taken care of do know there will be a big influx in activity from me!
I do still want to move towards the other page I made (beyondphere) but all things in time!

Thank you to the people who for god knows what reason have still stuck around, you're patience is beyond any unit or means of measurements.

Hello folks, here's an update.

Yes I have a new laptop with working keyboard! (YAAY) but it has over heating problems (BOO) and this would usually not be such an issue and avoidable but I'm in the middle of summer . . .  fucking summer! Oh God KILL ME! Maybe the world did end, that would explain the 40+ degree weather, and I'm on the south coast! Curse this fuckin country!

Well enough small talk about weather there are other things to be addressed! Such as my writing!
I know I'm a slow mofo when it comes to my chapters and things but I must admit that although I have enjoyed writing short stories in the past this is the most writing I've done on a single project.
One of he major things slowing me down is that I am a slow typer, if I could just tell the story to my laptop and it write it itself then these things would be coming out in a flash but I'm just so slow at writing/typing them.
Also because I'm completely mad I'v decide to work on two side stories at the same time, these however are more my pet project so will be slow and may just be released as a completed work instead of chapters.
One is somewhat more younger focused (although I'm hoping still enjoyable for adults) something like a slightly older 'Goosebumps' thing. The other is going to be a wholey original work that I am hoping will be mindfucking trippy without being convaluted and pretensiouse. I'm thinking supernatural elements and dreams.

The Fallout of Men series most definately still in the works but again I am slow so maybe don't sit on the edge of your seat waiting for each chapter, they don't have a consistant and regular release time so maybe if you're interest in the series check in every now and then.

Anyway that's all folks! Love the works you guys have been putting out to! Lookin NICE! haha keep it up!
Bye-bye!

Well, well, well. I bet many of you thought me dead haha.

I have some good news! I have aquired into my possesion a new P.C! The only thing is that it needs a new Keyboard.
I know! What that Hell!?
Anyway, once I get my hands on a fuctioning keyboard I shall begin writing 'The Fallout of Men' again, YAAAAYY!! My brains about to melt from containing it hahaha Rin and Pater must Go on!!!
In addition to my little Fallout fan-fic I am hoping to write a full original story, I'm talking thick arse novel here. Like you can use it to hit your siblings and it would be super effective. I have the rough story idea in my head as well as character types and location but alas I am without title hahaha
Don't worry, I will be posting chapters of the story once I get to writing, the chapters however wont be the consistant 5 pages that 'The Fallout of Men' is so please keep that in mind when I get to posting.
Also I'd love to hear your 100% honest opinions on both the fan-fic and story, let me know your feelings on the characters and plots. What you think of it and where you think it may be going.
I may also post a big sketch 'dump' later on, I draw every day but VERY rarely post, so I want to change that too.

Thanks a bunch for reading and sticking with me even if it seems I've fallen off the planet! haha
P.S I have a confession to make . . . I'm a Brony, OK BYE!!!!

Well . . . not much to say except DAMN YOU LAPTOP!!
This thing has more bugs then a rainforrest floor! The keys hardly work and I do not trust saving anything on this.
Hence the pause on 'The Fallout of Men' series. Typing is too much of a pain with half the keys acting up and I don't wanna save anythig on here if I'm paranoid it's going to catch fire!! hahaha

Oh check this!! Soooooooo wanna see this movie!!! www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd71LW…